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We’re all familiar with this urge to procrastinate, but why do we put something off even when we know there will be consequences?What is procrastination?Whether it’s that load of laundry growing in the corner of your bedroom or an email from your colleague you “keep meaning to get to,” everyone’s guilty of procrastinating.It’s an urge many of us give in to even when the stakes are higher. A survey by the financial company IPX 1031 found that in 2020, at least 33 percent of Americans waited until the last minute to do their taxes. And that’s after the U.S. government itself pushed the filing deadline from April to May.Still, this tendency goes beyond poor time management or laziness. According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology, there are two main features of procrastination:We unnecessarily and intentionally put something off.We know we’ll be worse off for delaying.This awareness of the negative consequences we’ll face is why scientists link procrastination with our emotions—and how much we let those emotions control our behavior.Research in the journal Social and Personality Psychology Compas found that when we procrastinate, we’re giving in to our desire for immediate gratification. By putting off something that makes us feel bad, we’re “prioritizing our current mood over the consequences of inaction for our future self.”LumiNola/Getty ImagesWhat is chronic procrastination?It’s one thing to procrastinate from time to time due to external stressors like a busy schedule, says Lauren Cook, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of Heartship Psychological Services in California. “But when it becomes a generalized pattern no matter what, that’s a sign that procrastination may have become chronic.”We’ve all faced repercussions for putting off a task, whether it’s missing a deadline or letting that dental cavity progress a little too far.Yet Joyce Marter, LCPC, licensed psychotherapist and author of The Financial Mindset Fix: A Mental Fitness Program for an Abundant Life, points to some tell-tale behaviors of chronic procrastinators:perpetually feeling like you’re behind and often disappointing othershaving people in your life frustrated with you—which can lead to repeated job or relationships lossesbecoming defensive over your task avoidance, like blaming others or leaning on excusesstruggling with feelings of inadequacyfeeling overwhelmed by deadlines and responsibilitiesfilling your time with minor, less important tasksChronic procrastinators may also have people in their lives enabling this behavior, either by completing tasks, constantly offering reminders, or trying to help them better manage their time. And to the procrastinator, this support is often unwelcome.“You may experience these people as controlling and resent them,” Marter explains.What causes chronic procrastination?Another defining feature of chronic procrastination? Once you’re caught in the cycle, it’s tough to break free.A study published in the Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy found that negative feelings like stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, and imposter syndrome are what lead to procrastination—making task avoidance a coping mechanism for handling these difficult emotions.Then when we put something off, we experience a momentary sense of relief. That response activates our brain’s reward center, reinforcing the habit.But procrastinating also gets ingrained into our body’s stress response. That means the next time we’re faced with a task that makes us feel anxious, insecure, or frustrated, our body clocks it as a threat. Procrastination then steps in as our defense mechanism against these threatening emotions.It looks like this:We have a task at hand.We consider how the task will make us feel.We conclude the task will make us feel stressed, insecure, or experience some other bad emotion.Our body aims to avoid those bad feelings, so we avoid the task.We feel more stressed by delaying a task—and the procrastination cycle continues.This emotional hook is why Marter says chronic procrastination often results from:Behavioral health issuesMental health conditions like anxiety, depression, substance misuse, addiction, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD,) and trauma can contribute to procrastination.“Each of these impairs our cognitive functioning and ability to think clearly, concentrate, organize oneself, and make decisions,” Marter says.Mental health issues also often lead to emotional overwhelm—when the intensity of your (typically negative) feelings outpaces how well you can manage them. This overwhelm can fuel negative self-talk and cognitive distortions while decreasing your motivation and energy levels, all of which can lead to procrastination.FearWhether you fear success, failure, judgment, or admitting that you don’t know how to do something, any form of uncertainty or doubt can paralyze your ability to act.Or you might worry about the consequences of completing a task, Marter says. For example, it’s easier to delay having a tough conversation if you’re concerned about the other person’s reaction.Perfectionism“I’ve seen many people procrastinate on taking action in areas that would further their careers and financial prosperity because they want their résumé, business plan, website, or proposal to be perfect before they launch it into the world,” Marter says.But when we strive for perfection, we wind up constantly shifting the goalposts—leading to delayed results, increased frustration, and often, more procrastinating.Does procrastination harm our health?That fleeting satisfaction we feel when procrastinating comes at a cost.“The negative emotions you associate with a given task don’t go away when you avoid that task,” says Haley Perlus, a PhD in sports and performance psychology. “They feed on themselves and multiply.”The mental toll of procrastinationIt’s not just the stress surrounding a task that mounts as deadlines loom. The study in the Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy describes how chronic procrastination leads to lower self-esteem and works to increase someone’s overall stress and anxiety.These findings hinge on what are called “procrastinatory cognitions,” or negative thought patterns that accompany task avoidance—like shame, guilt, failure, and self-doubt.They’re also why procrastination can quickly become a vicious cycle.“The more we procrastinate, the more we doubt our ability to successfully complete tasks,” Dr. Cook says. “This can chip away at our confidence.”Procrastination’s impact on our physical healthFrom a practical perspective, putting off a visit to the doctor or dentist also delays necessary medical treatments.Yet, research from Personality and Individual Differences found that chronic procrastinators are also less likely to practice wellness-oriented behaviors in general, like maintaining a good diet and physical activity level.Marter says the stress and anxiety that procrastination triggers can have physical effects throughout the body as well, like insomnia, changes in eating habits, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, and increased blood pressure.These physical symptoms of chronic stress and anxiety can make someone vulnerable to more serious health problems as well. A recent study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine linked chronic procrastination with a greater risk of both cardiovascular disease and hypertension.Erik Von Weber/Getty ImagesHow can I stop procrastinating?“Long-term procrastination can create a loop, where putting something off reinforces your desire to do it again, even if it’s creating more problems,” Dr. Perlus says.But because chronic procrastination is rooted in our emotional response, downloading yet another time management app may not be enough to close this loop.Instead, a study published in Learning and Individual Differences found that kicking the procrastination habit comes down to regulating our emotions—specifically, learning how to tolerate negative emotions and modifying our responses.The experts say this emotional regulation is a process that takes time, but to start with strategies like:Practice self-compassion“When learning to change your habits, you should first forgive yourself and allow yourself compassion,” Dr. Perlus says. “That way, you don’t let self-blame take over.”A study published in Self and Identity found that people who procrastinate tend to demonstrate lower levels of self-compassion. But when people are able to forgive themselves for this delay, they’re likely to procrastinate less in the face of their next stressful task, according to another study from Personality and Individual Differences.“Being hard on yourself will just create a downward spiral of frustration and feelings of inadequacy,” Marter explains. That’s why feeling bad about your procrastination just deepens the cycle, making it even harder to change the habit.Incentivize yourselfWhen we have a task at hand that makes us feel anxious, not good enough, or even just bored, it’s gratifying to delay those negative feelings. This relief is what tempts us to procrastinate again and again, especially as the stress of putting something off compounds.But by hijacking this reward cycle, we can replace the perceived benefit of procrastinating with more productive incentives.“Reward yourself for completing tasks on time with quality time for yourself to focus on self-care or to do something you really enjoy,” Marter says. “You might even ask loved ones to help you with incentives, such as being able to watch a show together when you complete your project.”Challenge false thought patterns“You can also try and derail cognitive distortions, or patterns of irrational and inaccurate thoughts,” Dr. Perlus says.These negative thought patterns contribute to conditions like anxiety and depression, according to research from Europe’s Journal of Psychology. Over time, cognitive distortions can even become automatic thoughts, shaping our core beliefs—so even a neutral or positive event might spur anxiety, stress, and procrastination.Here’s how common cognitive distortions can influence procrastination:Perfectionism: You avoid starting or completing a task because you’re afraid of making a mistake.Catastrophizing: You believe you’ll never be qualified for a certain job, so you put off preparing your résumé and applying.Overgeneralizing: You received bad feedback on a past assignment, so you assume you’ll fail at all future tasks, too.Discounting the positive: You focus on one bit of negative feedback during an otherwise glowing performance review.“Try and come up with different explanations that help you reframe situations that may lead you to a hostile place,” Dr. Perlus says.Practice mindfulness strategiesMarter says mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga help us stop ruminating about the past or worrying about the future—facilitating mental calm and clarity in the here and now.“The result is like rebooting your computer operating system,” she says. This can help us unravel negative, anxious thought patterns that trigger procrastination.Accept responsibility (and if needed, extra support)“Avoid the urge to blame your boss, your partner, or the weather,” Marter says. “Own up to your chronic procrastination and commit to addressing it just like you would if you had a physical health problem.”This could mean creating systems of accountability, like asking your family, friends, or co-workers to check in with you about your progress on certain tasks and responsibilities.But when a cycle of procrastination starts to affect your daily life, affects your relationships, or harms your mental health, it might be time to get some extra support.“Consider having a mental health checkup to see if conditions such as depression or ADD/ADHD might be contributing to your procrastination problem,” Marter says.Through strategies like cognitive behavioral therapy, a professional can also help you work through identifying and reframing irrational thought patterns at the root of your procrastination pattern. 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Practicing regular gratitude can benefit your overall health and emotional well-being. Here’s why it’s important, and how gratitude meditation could improve your life.What is gratitude?Gratitude means appreciating what is valuable and meaningful to you. It’s the opposite of entitlement, which refers to a belief that you have earned or are owed good things.Psychologist and author Karen Lynn Cassiday says the key to “practicing gratitude” is learning to recognize when you’ve been blessed with something positive.“Gratitude is the sense that others, the universe, or a higher power have granted you something good—and you are fortunate to have received that blessing,” says Cassiday, the clinical director of the Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago.AMR Image/Getty ImagesThe science of gratitudeGratitude has been studied in a variety of ways over many decades. Cassiday points to more than 15,000 research studies on the topic, with results mainly demonstrating the emotional and mental health benefits of gratitude.In 2019, a team of researchers from the Netherlands took a novel approach by revisiting other gratitude studies from the previous decade, but this time focusing on physical benefits. While the research supported previous findings that gratitude leads primarily to mental and emotional well-being, the impact on overall body health was also evident.That makes sense, Cassiday notes. Gratitude can lead the body to release dopamine—known as the “feel good” hormone—as well as oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding with others.“Gratitude protects against negative emotions, such as depression and anger, and against toxic emotions, such as entitlement, resentment, revenge, cynicism, and hatred,” she says.In a nutshell, gratitude is the “mother skill” that leads to resilience, grit, hope, and healthy relationships.Gratitude is more than kindnessKindness is an external action. It’s what you do or say to others. Gratitude is a reaction to something felt internally, that may or may not be shared with others.“I believe experiencing gratitude is much more meaningful than parroting gratitude from a place of obligation or seasonal reminders,” says Laura Morse, a licensed psychotherapist in Atlanta.Telling yourself that other people have it worse will likely not make you feel better, she adds. But keeping situations in perspective may help the balance.“When more attention and validation is given to the negative aspects of our lives or situations, then hopelessness follows,” Morse cautions.Simple steps to gratitudeThe first step to living a life of gratitude is appreciation for the people, situations, or experiences that surround you.“Showing gratitude does not have to be costly,” Morse says. ” Words of affirmation and acts of service can go a long way.”Ways to incorporate more gratitude in your life include keeping a gratitude journal to write down your thoughts, goals, and experiences. Or you can write a gratitude letter to yourself or to someone else expressing your thoughts and feelings.Cassiday encourages a 30-day challenge to notice three things each day for which you are grateful. Write down how that experience affected you, and what blessing you found in that moment.For example, she says, you may write something like, “I am so grateful for the lovely colors of the fall leaves, especially the bright reds, and how it makes a gray time of the year beautiful and fascinating. I am blessed to be able to experience this.”Practice gratitude dailyGratitude should evolve like breathing—something necessary and natural. As you begin to live your life with an awareness of gratitude, it becomes less a “check mark” activity, and more your everyday essence in action.“As we experience positive emotions such as gratitude, loving, kindness, and compassion, our awareness broadens,” said Kathi Kemper, MD, executive director of the Ohio State University College of Medicine’s Center for Integrative Health and Wellness. “Our creativity and problem-solving capacities blossom, and we become more effective in whatever we choose to do.”It’s almost impossible to feel anxious and grateful at the same time, Dr. Kemper says. So when you start to notice your mind wandering toward worry, adjust your lens.“Switch to focusing on people, circumstances, or things for which you are grateful, and watch your mood improve,” Dr. Kemper says. “It’s also a great practice before falling asleep each night.”DjordjeDjurdjevic/Getty ImagesBlending gratitude and meditationSimilar to the goals of gratitude, meditation is a mental exercise to increase awareness of the present moment.“All meditation really is, is redirected attention,” explains Anne Hartley, founder of Hart Life Academy in Australia, which trains and certifies life coaches. “Instead of allowing the mind to wander and think of anything, meditation brings the mind’s attention to our breath, an object, or a mantra.”Traditional meditation focuses on breathing and a repeated mantra—a sound, word, or phrase. The process can be adapted to a focus on gratitude as well, Hartley says.“You can use ‘thank you’ or ‘I am grateful’ as a mantra meditation,” says Hartley, who turned to meditation 40 years ago to cope with the death of her child. “Or you can focus on all you are grateful for, which is more of a mindfulness practice.”Different meditations affect different parts of the brain. Hartley says gratitude meditation affects the prefrontal cortex, which aids thinking and decision making.Science supports that assessment. A 2017 study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) showed “mindfulness-based” practices, including meditation, can improve workers’ mental health by lowering stress levels.Meditation is not magicThe wrong way to approach gratitude meditation is with expectations of instant results, Hartley says.“Sometimes when we meditate we don’t feel any different, and at other times it’s incredibly relaxing,” she says.The mind never stops thinking, so meditation helps to lead the mind to a single point of focus. If the goal is the awareness of gratitude, you may practice this mindfulness once a day or once an hour, as you work toward your balance.“You don’t want to make meditation a chore, but more a lifestyle of being able to take small moments of grateful pauses,” Cassiday says.And don’t discount that your mind is still hard at work even when you are asleep.“The mind processes six times more in the dream state, [so] you may find you awake giving thanks,” Hartley says.We need gratitude now more than everMorse says many people still remain in “grief recovery” after months of pandemic challenges. After losing jobs, loved ones, or emotional connections, some may find it hard to find reasons to be thankful.But this is where the practice of gratitude is most needed—and beneficial.“No matter what the scenario, there is always room to find the good and give it value,” Morse explains. “Allow yourself to find value in the seemingly smallest of things.” […]

Practicing thankfulness every week—or better yet, every day—can boost your mood, strengthen your relationships, and even help you sleep better.What is thankful Thursday?Whether or not you’re feasting with family this year, Thanksgiving is a reminder to count your blessings. And it turns out taking time to say or write down what you’re thankful for can have lasting perks. A gratitude practice has science-backed benefits for your mind and body.So how do you keep the Thanksgiving vibes going? Some people take part in “Thankful Thursday.” The catchy hashtag is a reminder to shout out something you’re thankful for on social media. It’s almost like a weekly mini-Thanksgiving.There are several ways (and reasons!) to start a gratitude practice this year. Below, licensed mental health counselors Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri and Roseann Capanna-Hodge weigh in.IRINA KROLEVETC/Getty Images4 benefits of Thankful ThursdayShowing gratitude does more than make you look good to others. A weekly or daily gratitude practice can improve mental and physical health, too.Here’s what Bixani-Mirpuri and Capanna-Hodge had to say about the science-backed benefits of gratitude.Gratitude leads to positive thinking“Studies have found that gratitude journaling can significantly increase [people’s] optimism levels,” says Buxani-Mirpuri.Optimism can be a tricky thing to measure, but a clinical trial of 1,337 participants published in the medical journal Frontiers in Psychology tried to do just that. For 14 days, one-third of the participants listed moments they had been grateful for during each day. At the end of the study, the gratitude group scored higher on happiness and satisfaction—and lower on depression symptoms—than the other two groups.Capanna-Hodge says the positive thinking from gratitude also has a ripple effect. Optimism can improve your problem-solving and stress management skills.Gratitude could improve your mental healthDeveloping an attitude of gratitude might sound like a softball strategy for mental health, but Buxani-Mirpuri says it can reduce levels of depression and anxiety. Focusing on what you’re thankful for helps change your thought processes, thus resulting in a more positive mood.“By reducing negative biases and looking at things more realistically … people feel better,” she says.Gratitude strengthens your relationshipsIt’s no secret that smiling can make you seem more attractive and approachable. The same can be said for expressing gratitude. Telling your loved ones that you’re grateful for them makes them feel good about themselves, says Capanna-Hodge.People also tend to gravitate toward those who seem upbeat and supportive, according to Buxani-Mirpuri.Showing gratitude can strengthen the bonds between friends and family, but it’s also a useful career strategy. “Appreciative people are viewed as thoughtful, trustworthy, and positive,” Capanna-Hodge says.Gratitude could make you healthierThe more you practice gratitude, the more equipped you are to manage daily stressors, according to Capanna-Hodge. Stress can trigger a host of health problems, from hives to unhealthy weight gain. While bad stress has negative ripple effects, a gratitude practice can have remarkably positive domino effects.Studies are still limited on the health benefits of gratitude. Based on their research and experiences with clients, Buxani-Mirpuri and Capanna-Hodge say a gratitude practice could:How to start a personal gratitude practiceFirst things first: Take a moment to think about the people, places, and things that bring you joy. Simply focusing on what uplifts you will shift your mind toward gratitude.“Experiencing gratitude always begins with being mindful,” says Buxani-Mirpuri. “Just noticing and acknowledging can be … very powerful.”Practicing gratitude will look different from person to person. The premise is simple—it’s the commitment to repeated action that takes time and effort.“The biggest misconception about gratitude is that it is something that you can do once in a while,” explains Capanna-Hodge. “You need to integrate small gratitude practices into your life in order for your brain to shift.”Keep reading for tips to get the most out of Thanksgiving, Thankful Thursday, or a daily gratitude practice.Set aside timeSettling on a vague notion that you want to be more thankful isn’t enough. Make it a true commitment by carving out a few minutes each day to cultivate your new attitude of gratitude.“Healthy habits don’t just happen; they take time to develop. And they develop more quickly when you incorporate them into your routine,” says Capanna-Hodge.Whether you write a gratitude list in the morning or tell your partner what you were thankful for at the end of each day, set a specific time for consistency. Capanna-Hodge also recommends saying “I’m grateful for…” out loud to another person at least once each day.Start a gratitude journalJournaling comes more naturally to some people than others. But even if you have never kept a diary, writing down what you’re thankful for is an easy, concrete way to keep a gratitude practice.“I absolutely subscribe to gratitude journaling and have seen my clients benefit immensely from them,” says Buxani-Mirpuri.There are dozens of gratitude journals on the market, but any notebook will do. There’s also no right or wrong way to record your thoughts. Some people enjoy waxing eloquent about heartwarming moments in their day.Others simply keep a bullet journal of their blessings. The point is to develop a habit you can stick with, says Capanna-Hodge.Share your gratitude journey with othersAt some point in your life, you’ve probably experienced the power of accountability. Maybe you exercise with the help of a weight loss buddy. Or perhaps you completed Dry January because a friend did it with you. Your gratitude practice is personal, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be a secret. Thankful Thursday is a group exercise, after all!“Let people know you’re working on being more grateful,” Capanna-Hodge recommends. “When we declare our goals, they are more likely to happen.” Plus, she says friends and family might want to join in with their own gratitude journal or Thankful Thursday posts.Turn your gratitude into actionSomething special happens when we start paying close attention to the ordinary gifts in our lives. Dark clouds lift. Attitudes shift. You might realize that, just as others’ actions affect you, you can influence the world for better.Acts of kindness are practical ways to express gratitude, according to Buxani-Mirpuri. She suggests verbally thanking people for their role in your life, showing up to support friends going through a rough patch, or signing up to volunteer at a local nonprofit organization.Think about it this way: People have given you reasons to be thankful for them, so why not return the favor?When gratitude isn’t enoughThe opposite of gratitude is ungratefulness—not depression or anxiety. If you are struggling with mental illness or a mood disorder, gratitude can help, but it is not a cure.Buxani-Mirpuri emphasizes that even the most thoughtful, consistent gratitude practice is not a substitute for therapy. All the Thankful Thursday posts in the world will not erase post-traumatic stress disorder or a chemical imbalance.Practicing gratitude is also not the same thing as pretending that all is well all the time. Pressure to act thankful that your situation isn’t worse can lead to guilt, frustration, and pain, according to Buxani-Mirpuri. That’s not genuine gratitude. It’s toxic positivity.“Gratitude is about appreciating the lesson in whatever hardships come while still connecting to emotions such as grief, sadness [or] irritation,” says Capanna-Hodge. […]

We all beat ourselves up over mistakes from time to time—but never forgiving yourself can be brutal to your mental health. Learn more about the art of self-forgiveness, why it’s so difficult, and what the experts recommend.Why making mistakes feels so badWhether you blow past your monthly budget or break a friend’s trust, everybody makes mistakes. And what happens next is just as universal: Once we realize we’ve hurt ourselves or someone else, we usually experience negative emotions like shame and guilt.Researchers believe evolution hardwired these feelings into the human condition. That’s because for our early ancestors, even small mistakes could mean big trouble, such as an unsuccessful hunt, failed protection from the weather or predators, or a life-threatening injury.In these cases, shame and guilt worked as adaptive responses. The emotions helped us learn from mistakes to increase our collective odds at survival.But research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests guilt and shame didn’t just help us build better structures and detect threats faster. These feelings worked to shape our individual sense of self-worth.The paper explains how our ancestors deeply counted on one another for survival—and so if an error let down members of the community, it could deem the offender unworthy of help, support, and access to resources.It’s a theory behind why—many millennia later, when the stakes are generally lower—we still tend to beat ourselves up over even the smallest error (and why bigger missteps can be particularly tough to overcome.)Malte Mueller/Getty ImagesWhat is self-forgiveness?There’s another field of research dedicated to how we handle these feelings of guilt and shame in the aftermath of a mistake. Daryl Van Tongeren, PhD, is an associate professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, who has co-authored several studies looking at this process.“We were curious about a paradox in self-forgiveness,” he explains.On the one hand, some people think that by forgiving yourself for a mistake, you’re giving yourself a license to transgress again.“On the other hand, people view self-forgiveness as being important for mental health,” he says. “Because if you don’t forgive yourself, you get mired in guilt and shame—and that’s not going to lead to any productive change.”That’s why the experts say self-forgiveness isn’t just a one-and-done action. It’s a process through which we start to replace feelings of guilt and shame—which can quickly create a toxic cycle—with self-compassion, awareness of our wrongdoing, and a desire to change.“It’s not letting yourself off the hook,” Dr. Van Tongeren explains. “True self-forgiveness, remorse, repentance—it all requires us to engage in some type of effort to make a meaningful change.”Does self-forgiveness look the same for all mistakes?We often think about mistakes in terms of how we’ve harmed another person, explains Andrea Marquez, a psychotherapist and LCSW supervisor at Heading Health in Texas.“In reality, self-forgiveness is a lot broader,” she says. “And more often than not, it involves reflecting on behavior inflicted on ourselves.”This self-inflicted harm could include trivial errors like overstepping our budget or failing to maintain healthy habits. But it can also extend to more destructive behaviors, like eating disorders or addiction.Yet sometimes, self-forgiveness is a productive process when we’re not even at fault. As an example, Marquez points to the guilt people can experience over their emotional response to a traumatic event—like a “victim’s shame” following abuse.Still, our actions often have consequences for other people, too.While Dr. Van Tongeren says the self-forgiveness process looks similar for all levels of mistakes, “there’s going to be a lot more emotional and cognitive work to do if it’s a bigger offense or one that affects more people.”Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?As it turns out, forgiving others for their transgressions is an evolutionary adaptation, too.Research published in Frontiers in Psychology explains how our early ancestors were motivated to forgive others based on a survival cost-benefit analysis. They’d weigh the likelihood of someone causing future harm against the long-term benefits of keeping the community intact.Yet we don’t necessarily offer this same benefit of the doubt to ourselves.“Because we know ourselves so well—and because we know all the circumstances surrounding the decisions and the mistakes that we have made—we have a tendency to be very harsh as we sit in judgment of ourselves,” says Bradley Nelson, DC, a holistic physician and author of The Emotional Code. “It’s true that the most difficult person to forgive is often our own self.”Based on his research, Dr. Van Tongeren points to a few explanations for why self-forgiveness so often lies just beyond our reach.We equate guilt and shame with remorseDr. Van Tongeren says people often think: If they’re not self-flagellating or self-denigrating, how will anyone know they’re truly remorseful?It’s this subconscious idea that suffering through self-blame and shame is a way to pay for our mistakes, Marquez adds. Sometimes, depending on the perceived harm we’ve caused, we might even believe we don’t deserve forgiveness.“[It’s] akin to a ‘martyr’ mentality,” she says.We get stuck in a guilt-shame loopSome people get very accustomed to carrying their shame and guilt, Dr. Van Tongeren explains. This could be due to a range of reasons, such as ingrained cultural standards, cognitive distortions like perfectionism, and health conditions like addiction.“They internalize [their shame and guilt,] they embody it, and it’s hard for them to let it go,” he says.As an example, he points to when someone trying to abstain from alcohol decides to have a drink.“They might feel so much guilt and shame that they say, ‘Well, I’ve already messed up; I might as well not try to pull myself back out. In for a penny, in for a pound,’” he explains.Then they feel so much guilt about overdrinking that they turn to this problematic, value-inconsistent behavior again the next day to soothe that guilt and shame.“And so you just get in this cycle,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. “What’s happening is you’re just so mired in the guilt and shame that you’re turning to unhealthy coping responses.”We’re not sure that we’ve learned our lesson“I think other people find self-forgiveness hard because we just want to make sure we’re not rushing it,” Dr. Van Tongeren says.This hesitation lies in uncertainty that we’re not making “the right” or “enough” changes to earn our own self-forgiveness. But by continuing to beat ourselves up and engage in negative self-talk, we add fuel to the shame cycle.“Going through this journey can also bring back memories of previous mistakes we haven’t fully let go of,” Marquez adds. “We may uncover deeper trauma or underlying thought processes responsible for the behavior we feel guilty about—all of these can be hard to face.”Why is learning how to forgive yourself important?In their research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, Dr. Van Tongeren’s team investigated the benefits behind practicing self-forgiveness.“Across the studies we found that self-forgiveness really is related to better mental health,” he says.Self-forgiveness as a mental health toolForgiving ourselves doesn’t just knock us out of the guilt-shame spiral, either.“It promotes a more positive self-image and improves self-confidence,” Marquez explains.By forgiving ourselves, we make ourselves less vulnerable to other people’s critical remarks. It teaches us to take feedback more constructively instead of feeling personally attacked, which fuels our insecurities.The physical toll of guilt and shameA lack of self-forgiveness tends to result in an overall greater stress level as well, Nelson says.When our stress hormones go on overdrive, our whole body can start to suffer. These effects can include:“We don’t sleep as well, we don’t get along well with others as well, and our ability to really be truly happy and to experience joy becomes very difficult to come by,” he says.Can you forgive yourself too quickly?“Guilt or regret can be adaptive when we fully process it,” says Sarah Kaufman, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Cobb Psychotherapy in New York.“When we act as detectives, trying to figure out why we feel guilty or why we regret something, we can start to uncover why we do what we do and where we want to go,” she says. “But that’s the thing—we have to be aware of what we do and why we do it. We can’t change what we don’t understand.”That’s why the experts say it doesn’t really matter how quickly you forgive yourself for making a mistake. The important thing is to engage in thoughtful self-reflection:How did my actions cause harm?How do I feel about that?How would I like to move forward?“This self-reflection process doesn’t necessarily have a set amount of time to make it effective,” Kaufman says. “It’s about internalizing the thoughts and feelings that come up.”Malte Mueller/Getty ImagesHow to forgive yourselfWhile there’s no set time frame for self-forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you rush right through it.“You need to think deeply about your actions and who they harmed—yourself and other people—and you need to own that,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. “And that part is hard.”Here’s what the experts say on how to move through this process in a positive, effective way.Start by showing yourself some compassionSelf-compassion means being able to look at yourself—and your actions—in an unbiased, understanding, and accepting way.“We don’t often extend the same compassion to ourselves that we extend to other people,” Dr. Van Tongeren says.For example, everyone gets a bit annoyed if a friend is late to dinner. But once they arrive and apologize, most of us don’t find it that difficult to move past the annoyance.“But some of us hold ourselves to such a higher standard than we do other people,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. So, even if someone else has forgiven us, we continue to beat ourselves up for a mistake.That’s why without self-compassion, healthy remorse can easily become unhealthy rumination—when you’re unable to stop obsessing over thoughts of what went wrong.“[This] can sometimes lead to prolonged feelings of shame or guilt,” Kaufman says. “And it can make it more difficult to find acceptance and move forward.”Follow the four R’s of self-forgivenessThe “four R’s” is a therapeutic model for self-forgiveness—and research published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology backs up its effectiveness.The study shows this model helped people not only forgive themselves over a specific offense, but experience a greater sense of well-being overall.It looks like this:ResponsibilitySelf-forgiveness starts with the recognition you did something wrong, Dr. Van Tongeren explains. It’s important to avoid the urge to shift blame, and to instead claim ownership over your mistake.Taking responsibility may even be a powerful way to let go of guilt, Marquez adds.“Oftentimes, it reveals that we have done less harm than imagined.”RemorseRemorse simply means feeling sorry for what we’ve done, Nelson explains.“This grief or sorrow is what powers our commitment to not make the same mistake again,” he says.But it’s important to understand the limits of your own remorse. That means recognizing when your emotional response goes beyond the bounds of your responsibility—like feeling guilt or shame over a problem you didn’t cause.“You can only control what you can control,” Kaufman says.RestorationRestoration is making an attempt to repair what was lost because of your mistake.For example, if you had a weak moment and stole something, restoration would mean giving back what you stole, Nelson says.But sometimes, there’s nothing physical to restore—like if you snap at a partner or co-worker. In this sense, restoration is the accountability you accept and the apology you offer.RenewalOverlooking this step is one pitfall of self-forgiveness. The process isn’t that productive if we decide to forgive ourselves without committing to any sort of change, Dr. Van Tongeren says.“In this [renewal] step, we can pause and think about the whole process that started with the mistake that we made,” Nelson says. “We can ask ourselves why we made the mistake in the first place and what we can do to prevent it from happening again.”Don’t sweat the small stuffAnother pitfall of self-forgiveness? Sometimes we simply blow our missteps out of proportion.“Some mistakes are just that—genuine mistakes,” Marquez says. We don’t necessarily need to find meaning, action points, or lessons in every error we make.“[But sometimes,] it might be harder to accept that without having a positive outcome in the form of a lesson learned,” she says.This tendency is common among people who experience cognitive distortions like perfectionism—and according to a report in BMC Psychiatry, it may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.That’s why if you’re having trouble showing yourself compassion or find yourself obsessing over every mistake you make, it may be time to turn to professional support.Therapeutic practices like cognitive behavioral therapy can help people work through feelings like guilt and navigate the steps to self-forgiveness—while retraining the thought processes that encourage negative emotions in the first place.Now that you know about how to forgive yourself, check out how to control anger. […]