Year: 2021

Practicing thankfulness every week—or better yet, every day—can boost your mood, strengthen your relationships, and even help you sleep better.What is thankful Thursday?Whether or not you’re feasting with family this year, Thanksgiving is a reminder to count your blessings. And it turns out taking time to say or write down what you’re thankful for can have lasting perks. A gratitude practice has science-backed benefits for your mind and body.So how do you keep the Thanksgiving vibes going? Some people take part in “Thankful Thursday.” The catchy hashtag is a reminder to shout out something you’re thankful for on social media. It’s almost like a weekly mini-Thanksgiving.There are several ways (and reasons!) to start a gratitude practice this year. Below, licensed mental health counselors Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri and Roseann Capanna-Hodge weigh in.IRINA KROLEVETC/Getty Images4 benefits of Thankful ThursdayShowing gratitude does more than make you look good to others. A weekly or daily gratitude practice can improve mental and physical health, too.Here’s what Bixani-Mirpuri and Capanna-Hodge had to say about the science-backed benefits of gratitude.Gratitude leads to positive thinking“Studies have found that gratitude journaling can significantly increase [people’s] optimism levels,” says Buxani-Mirpuri.Optimism can be a tricky thing to measure, but a clinical trial of 1,337 participants published in the medical journal Frontiers in Psychology tried to do just that. For 14 days, one-third of the participants listed moments they had been grateful for during each day. At the end of the study, the gratitude group scored higher on happiness and satisfaction—and lower on depression symptoms—than the other two groups.Capanna-Hodge says the positive thinking from gratitude also has a ripple effect. Optimism can improve your problem-solving and stress management skills.Gratitude could improve your mental healthDeveloping an attitude of gratitude might sound like a softball strategy for mental health, but Buxani-Mirpuri says it can reduce levels of depression and anxiety. Focusing on what you’re thankful for helps change your thought processes, thus resulting in a more positive mood.“By reducing negative biases and looking at things more realistically … people feel better,” she says.Gratitude strengthens your relationshipsIt’s no secret that smiling can make you seem more attractive and approachable. The same can be said for expressing gratitude. Telling your loved ones that you’re grateful for them makes them feel good about themselves, says Capanna-Hodge.People also tend to gravitate toward those who seem upbeat and supportive, according to Buxani-Mirpuri.Showing gratitude can strengthen the bonds between friends and family, but it’s also a useful career strategy. “Appreciative people are viewed as thoughtful, trustworthy, and positive,” Capanna-Hodge says.Gratitude could make you healthierThe more you practice gratitude, the more equipped you are to manage daily stressors, according to Capanna-Hodge. Stress can trigger a host of health problems, from hives to unhealthy weight gain. While bad stress has negative ripple effects, a gratitude practice can have remarkably positive domino effects.Studies are still limited on the health benefits of gratitude. Based on their research and experiences with clients, Buxani-Mirpuri and Capanna-Hodge say a gratitude practice could:How to start a personal gratitude practiceFirst things first: Take a moment to think about the people, places, and things that bring you joy. Simply focusing on what uplifts you will shift your mind toward gratitude.“Experiencing gratitude always begins with being mindful,” says Buxani-Mirpuri. “Just noticing and acknowledging can be … very powerful.”Practicing gratitude will look different from person to person. The premise is simple—it’s the commitment to repeated action that takes time and effort.“The biggest misconception about gratitude is that it is something that you can do once in a while,” explains Capanna-Hodge. “You need to integrate small gratitude practices into your life in order for your brain to shift.”Keep reading for tips to get the most out of Thanksgiving, Thankful Thursday, or a daily gratitude practice.Set aside timeSettling on a vague notion that you want to be more thankful isn’t enough. Make it a true commitment by carving out a few minutes each day to cultivate your new attitude of gratitude.“Healthy habits don’t just happen; they take time to develop. And they develop more quickly when you incorporate them into your routine,” says Capanna-Hodge.Whether you write a gratitude list in the morning or tell your partner what you were thankful for at the end of each day, set a specific time for consistency. Capanna-Hodge also recommends saying “I’m grateful for…” out loud to another person at least once each day.Start a gratitude journalJournaling comes more naturally to some people than others. But even if you have never kept a diary, writing down what you’re thankful for is an easy, concrete way to keep a gratitude practice.“I absolutely subscribe to gratitude journaling and have seen my clients benefit immensely from them,” says Buxani-Mirpuri.There are dozens of gratitude journals on the market, but any notebook will do. There’s also no right or wrong way to record your thoughts. Some people enjoy waxing eloquent about heartwarming moments in their day.Others simply keep a bullet journal of their blessings. The point is to develop a habit you can stick with, says Capanna-Hodge.Share your gratitude journey with othersAt some point in your life, you’ve probably experienced the power of accountability. Maybe you exercise with the help of a weight loss buddy. Or perhaps you completed Dry January because a friend did it with you. Your gratitude practice is personal, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be a secret. Thankful Thursday is a group exercise, after all!“Let people know you’re working on being more grateful,” Capanna-Hodge recommends. “When we declare our goals, they are more likely to happen.” Plus, she says friends and family might want to join in with their own gratitude journal or Thankful Thursday posts.Turn your gratitude into actionSomething special happens when we start paying close attention to the ordinary gifts in our lives. Dark clouds lift. Attitudes shift. You might realize that, just as others’ actions affect you, you can influence the world for better.Acts of kindness are practical ways to express gratitude, according to Buxani-Mirpuri. She suggests verbally thanking people for their role in your life, showing up to support friends going through a rough patch, or signing up to volunteer at a local nonprofit organization.Think about it this way: People have given you reasons to be thankful for them, so why not return the favor?When gratitude isn’t enoughThe opposite of gratitude is ungratefulness—not depression or anxiety. If you are struggling with mental illness or a mood disorder, gratitude can help, but it is not a cure.Buxani-Mirpuri emphasizes that even the most thoughtful, consistent gratitude practice is not a substitute for therapy. All the Thankful Thursday posts in the world will not erase post-traumatic stress disorder or a chemical imbalance.Practicing gratitude is also not the same thing as pretending that all is well all the time. Pressure to act thankful that your situation isn’t worse can lead to guilt, frustration, and pain, according to Buxani-Mirpuri. That’s not genuine gratitude. It’s toxic positivity.“Gratitude is about appreciating the lesson in whatever hardships come while still connecting to emotions such as grief, sadness [or] irritation,” says Capanna-Hodge. […]

We all beat ourselves up over mistakes from time to time—but never forgiving yourself can be brutal to your mental health. Learn more about the art of self-forgiveness, why it’s so difficult, and what the experts recommend.Why making mistakes feels so badWhether you blow past your monthly budget or break a friend’s trust, everybody makes mistakes. And what happens next is just as universal: Once we realize we’ve hurt ourselves or someone else, we usually experience negative emotions like shame and guilt.Researchers believe evolution hardwired these feelings into the human condition. That’s because for our early ancestors, even small mistakes could mean big trouble, such as an unsuccessful hunt, failed protection from the weather or predators, or a life-threatening injury.In these cases, shame and guilt worked as adaptive responses. The emotions helped us learn from mistakes to increase our collective odds at survival.But research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests guilt and shame didn’t just help us build better structures and detect threats faster. These feelings worked to shape our individual sense of self-worth.The paper explains how our ancestors deeply counted on one another for survival—and so if an error let down members of the community, it could deem the offender unworthy of help, support, and access to resources.It’s a theory behind why—many millennia later, when the stakes are generally lower—we still tend to beat ourselves up over even the smallest error (and why bigger missteps can be particularly tough to overcome.)Malte Mueller/Getty ImagesWhat is self-forgiveness?There’s another field of research dedicated to how we handle these feelings of guilt and shame in the aftermath of a mistake. Daryl Van Tongeren, PhD, is an associate professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, who has co-authored several studies looking at this process.“We were curious about a paradox in self-forgiveness,” he explains.On the one hand, some people think that by forgiving yourself for a mistake, you’re giving yourself a license to transgress again.“On the other hand, people view self-forgiveness as being important for mental health,” he says. “Because if you don’t forgive yourself, you get mired in guilt and shame—and that’s not going to lead to any productive change.”That’s why the experts say self-forgiveness isn’t just a one-and-done action. It’s a process through which we start to replace feelings of guilt and shame—which can quickly create a toxic cycle—with self-compassion, awareness of our wrongdoing, and a desire to change.“It’s not letting yourself off the hook,” Dr. Van Tongeren explains. “True self-forgiveness, remorse, repentance—it all requires us to engage in some type of effort to make a meaningful change.”Does self-forgiveness look the same for all mistakes?We often think about mistakes in terms of how we’ve harmed another person, explains Andrea Marquez, a psychotherapist and LCSW supervisor at Heading Health in Texas.“In reality, self-forgiveness is a lot broader,” she says. “And more often than not, it involves reflecting on behavior inflicted on ourselves.”This self-inflicted harm could include trivial errors like overstepping our budget or failing to maintain healthy habits. But it can also extend to more destructive behaviors, like eating disorders or addiction.Yet sometimes, self-forgiveness is a productive process when we’re not even at fault. As an example, Marquez points to the guilt people can experience over their emotional response to a traumatic event—like a “victim’s shame” following abuse.Still, our actions often have consequences for other people, too.While Dr. Van Tongeren says the self-forgiveness process looks similar for all levels of mistakes, “there’s going to be a lot more emotional and cognitive work to do if it’s a bigger offense or one that affects more people.”Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?As it turns out, forgiving others for their transgressions is an evolutionary adaptation, too.Research published in Frontiers in Psychology explains how our early ancestors were motivated to forgive others based on a survival cost-benefit analysis. They’d weigh the likelihood of someone causing future harm against the long-term benefits of keeping the community intact.Yet we don’t necessarily offer this same benefit of the doubt to ourselves.“Because we know ourselves so well—and because we know all the circumstances surrounding the decisions and the mistakes that we have made—we have a tendency to be very harsh as we sit in judgment of ourselves,” says Bradley Nelson, DC, a holistic physician and author of The Emotional Code. “It’s true that the most difficult person to forgive is often our own self.”Based on his research, Dr. Van Tongeren points to a few explanations for why self-forgiveness so often lies just beyond our reach.We equate guilt and shame with remorseDr. Van Tongeren says people often think: If they’re not self-flagellating or self-denigrating, how will anyone know they’re truly remorseful?It’s this subconscious idea that suffering through self-blame and shame is a way to pay for our mistakes, Marquez adds. Sometimes, depending on the perceived harm we’ve caused, we might even believe we don’t deserve forgiveness.“[It’s] akin to a ‘martyr’ mentality,” she says.We get stuck in a guilt-shame loopSome people get very accustomed to carrying their shame and guilt, Dr. Van Tongeren explains. This could be due to a range of reasons, such as ingrained cultural standards, cognitive distortions like perfectionism, and health conditions like addiction.“They internalize [their shame and guilt,] they embody it, and it’s hard for them to let it go,” he says.As an example, he points to when someone trying to abstain from alcohol decides to have a drink.“They might feel so much guilt and shame that they say, ‘Well, I’ve already messed up; I might as well not try to pull myself back out. In for a penny, in for a pound,’” he explains.Then they feel so much guilt about overdrinking that they turn to this problematic, value-inconsistent behavior again the next day to soothe that guilt and shame.“And so you just get in this cycle,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. “What’s happening is you’re just so mired in the guilt and shame that you’re turning to unhealthy coping responses.”We’re not sure that we’ve learned our lesson“I think other people find self-forgiveness hard because we just want to make sure we’re not rushing it,” Dr. Van Tongeren says.This hesitation lies in uncertainty that we’re not making “the right” or “enough” changes to earn our own self-forgiveness. But by continuing to beat ourselves up and engage in negative self-talk, we add fuel to the shame cycle.“Going through this journey can also bring back memories of previous mistakes we haven’t fully let go of,” Marquez adds. “We may uncover deeper trauma or underlying thought processes responsible for the behavior we feel guilty about—all of these can be hard to face.”Why is learning how to forgive yourself important?In their research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, Dr. Van Tongeren’s team investigated the benefits behind practicing self-forgiveness.“Across the studies we found that self-forgiveness really is related to better mental health,” he says.Self-forgiveness as a mental health toolForgiving ourselves doesn’t just knock us out of the guilt-shame spiral, either.“It promotes a more positive self-image and improves self-confidence,” Marquez explains.By forgiving ourselves, we make ourselves less vulnerable to other people’s critical remarks. It teaches us to take feedback more constructively instead of feeling personally attacked, which fuels our insecurities.The physical toll of guilt and shameA lack of self-forgiveness tends to result in an overall greater stress level as well, Nelson says.When our stress hormones go on overdrive, our whole body can start to suffer. These effects can include:“We don’t sleep as well, we don’t get along well with others as well, and our ability to really be truly happy and to experience joy becomes very difficult to come by,” he says.Can you forgive yourself too quickly?“Guilt or regret can be adaptive when we fully process it,” says Sarah Kaufman, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Cobb Psychotherapy in New York.“When we act as detectives, trying to figure out why we feel guilty or why we regret something, we can start to uncover why we do what we do and where we want to go,” she says. “But that’s the thing—we have to be aware of what we do and why we do it. We can’t change what we don’t understand.”That’s why the experts say it doesn’t really matter how quickly you forgive yourself for making a mistake. The important thing is to engage in thoughtful self-reflection:How did my actions cause harm?How do I feel about that?How would I like to move forward?“This self-reflection process doesn’t necessarily have a set amount of time to make it effective,” Kaufman says. “It’s about internalizing the thoughts and feelings that come up.”Malte Mueller/Getty ImagesHow to forgive yourselfWhile there’s no set time frame for self-forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you rush right through it.“You need to think deeply about your actions and who they harmed—yourself and other people—and you need to own that,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. “And that part is hard.”Here’s what the experts say on how to move through this process in a positive, effective way.Start by showing yourself some compassionSelf-compassion means being able to look at yourself—and your actions—in an unbiased, understanding, and accepting way.“We don’t often extend the same compassion to ourselves that we extend to other people,” Dr. Van Tongeren says.For example, everyone gets a bit annoyed if a friend is late to dinner. But once they arrive and apologize, most of us don’t find it that difficult to move past the annoyance.“But some of us hold ourselves to such a higher standard than we do other people,” Dr. Van Tongeren says. So, even if someone else has forgiven us, we continue to beat ourselves up for a mistake.That’s why without self-compassion, healthy remorse can easily become unhealthy rumination—when you’re unable to stop obsessing over thoughts of what went wrong.“[This] can sometimes lead to prolonged feelings of shame or guilt,” Kaufman says. “And it can make it more difficult to find acceptance and move forward.”Follow the four R’s of self-forgivenessThe “four R’s” is a therapeutic model for self-forgiveness—and research published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology backs up its effectiveness.The study shows this model helped people not only forgive themselves over a specific offense, but experience a greater sense of well-being overall.It looks like this:ResponsibilitySelf-forgiveness starts with the recognition you did something wrong, Dr. Van Tongeren explains. It’s important to avoid the urge to shift blame, and to instead claim ownership over your mistake.Taking responsibility may even be a powerful way to let go of guilt, Marquez adds.“Oftentimes, it reveals that we have done less harm than imagined.”RemorseRemorse simply means feeling sorry for what we’ve done, Nelson explains.“This grief or sorrow is what powers our commitment to not make the same mistake again,” he says.But it’s important to understand the limits of your own remorse. That means recognizing when your emotional response goes beyond the bounds of your responsibility—like feeling guilt or shame over a problem you didn’t cause.“You can only control what you can control,” Kaufman says.RestorationRestoration is making an attempt to repair what was lost because of your mistake.For example, if you had a weak moment and stole something, restoration would mean giving back what you stole, Nelson says.But sometimes, there’s nothing physical to restore—like if you snap at a partner or co-worker. In this sense, restoration is the accountability you accept and the apology you offer.RenewalOverlooking this step is one pitfall of self-forgiveness. The process isn’t that productive if we decide to forgive ourselves without committing to any sort of change, Dr. Van Tongeren says.“In this [renewal] step, we can pause and think about the whole process that started with the mistake that we made,” Nelson says. “We can ask ourselves why we made the mistake in the first place and what we can do to prevent it from happening again.”Don’t sweat the small stuffAnother pitfall of self-forgiveness? Sometimes we simply blow our missteps out of proportion.“Some mistakes are just that—genuine mistakes,” Marquez says. We don’t necessarily need to find meaning, action points, or lessons in every error we make.“[But sometimes,] it might be harder to accept that without having a positive outcome in the form of a lesson learned,” she says.This tendency is common among people who experience cognitive distortions like perfectionism—and according to a report in BMC Psychiatry, it may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.That’s why if you’re having trouble showing yourself compassion or find yourself obsessing over every mistake you make, it may be time to turn to professional support.Therapeutic practices like cognitive behavioral therapy can help people work through feelings like guilt and navigate the steps to self-forgiveness—while retraining the thought processes that encourage negative emotions in the first place.Now that you know about how to forgive yourself, check out how to control anger. […]

According to experts, keeping a gratitude journal can have numerous health benefits. Here’s what the experts want you to know about why and how to do it, including gratitude journal prompts.Maybe you’ve heard about the potential benefits of practicing gratitude or keeping a gratitude journal. You may have even been advised to keep a gratitude journal by a doctor, family, or friends.But are there any real benefits from keeping a gratitude journal? And how exactly does gratitude journaling work?Experts say there’s no wrong way to do gratitude exercises like keeping a gratitude journal, unless of course you’re focusing on negative things or things that can encourage shameful feelings.Here’s what the experts want you to know about why and how to keep a gratitude journal.What is a gratitude journal?According to experts, a gratitude journal is typically a journal or notepad where you jot down things for which you are grateful.This doesn’t need to be a notepad or journal, though; it can also include listing things for which you are grateful aloud or in your mind. Some smartphone apps even allow you to text or digitally enter things you are grateful for.“You can keep a gratitude journal on your phone, you could do it in a notebook, you could even just kind of take time to really think about those things,” says Laurie Santos, PhD, a professor of psychology and head of Silliman College at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut.“All of these types of forms of engaging with a gratitude journal can really improve your well-being.”(Check out the Silk + Sonder journal and see if it suits your style.)What does research show about the effects of gratitude journaling?Experts say the evidence is overwhelming: Keeping a gratitude journal is good for your health and overall well-being.“There’s lots and lots of studies basically suggesting that gratitude improves well-being,” Dr. Santos says.“There’s evidence, for example, that people who are more grateful experience more benefits in terms of their self-regulation, they’re more likely to eat healthier, they’re more likely to save more for retirement,” she explains. “And there’s even evidence that people sleep better when they’re feeling more grateful.”Jane Wilson, PhD and professor emerita at Westmont College in Santa Barbara, California, says there are even more benefits of keeping a gratitude journal.“People who keep a gratitude journal experience more positive emotions such as love, joy, contentment, improved social connections, increased sense of inner peace, improved exercise, and deepened sense of focus in learning,” Dr. Wilson explains.“Keeping a gratitude journal is the number one way researchers have explored the impact of practicing gratitude.”“Keeping a gratitude journal strengthens one’s gratitude muscle,” she adds. “By strengthening one’s gratitude muscle, people will find they more quickly notice good things in life, and they’re better able to manage future stressful situations.”According to the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at the University of California-Berkeley, expressing gratitude or exercises that encourage it can also:help you through tough timesprovide perspective after a losslive more sustainablymotivate you to become a better personmake you more generous and altruisticWhat is gratitude?Gratitude can have many definitions depending on whom you talk to. But according to Emiliana Simon-Thomas, PhD, science director of the Greater Good Science Center, gratitude is often defined into two basic ways.“Science defines gratitude in a couple of ways,” she says.“One way is reverence for that which is given. Recognizing that all kinds of stuff around us every day has nothing to do with our effort, talents, our skills. It’s just there. Yes, it may be related to our capacity to apply ourselves in many ways, but gratitude is more about appreciating and being thankful for that which we haven’t had to work for that which we’ve just received.”She says another way we define gratitude is as a specific emotional experience.“So how you feel that kind of warmth in your chest, that affectionate sentiment, when you are in a moment where someone has done something that’s really wonderful for you, you feel grateful right then and there is that sense of trust and connection, and social support,” she explains.“That is another way that we define gratitude, recognizing that someone else has done something that has benefited us, and they put effort into it.”Who can benefit from keeping a gratitude journal?Anyone in any situation can benefit from keeping a gratitude journal or being more grateful. But keeping a gratitude journal may be especially beneficial for people with mental health conditions that skew their perception events in a negative way, including depression, anxiety, burnout, and post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), experts say.“Research suggests that people who practice gratitude will [also] see a decrease in negative emotions such as anger, resentment, frustration, and anxiety,” Dr. Wilson says.How do I make an entry in a gratitude journal?Dr. Simon-Thomas says the most simple way to make a gratitude diary entry, very generally, is to list sources of goodness that you enjoy in your life that you haven’t had to work toward or earn—things that have come to you that you get to enjoy.“It can be as simple as running water that is drinkable from a faucet, or can be really complex and detailed, like the role that a mentor in your life has played in advancing your professional career or by introducing you to a topic or a community that has been instrumental,” she explains.She says examples of this include gratitude for things many people take for granted, such as democracy, freedom, access to education, and health care. “Those are really important kinds of gratitude,” she says, “and they do shift us toward a more optimistic view in the world.”Dr. Wilson says she suggests beginning by pausing to reflect upon your day or week, taking a moment to savor a few blessings in your life, and then jotting the things you noticed or think of.How often should you write in a gratitude journal?Experts say there’s no hard and fast rule about how frequently to make entries in a gratitude journal to reap the benefits.“Should you try to write your gratitude journal three times a day, or every day? Or every three days? What’s the best?” Dr. Simon-Thomas says. There are some general patterns that seem to pop up like the suggestion to write three times a day, she adds, but that won’t work for everyone.“What the cutting edge or frontier of gratitude science now is is trying to understand the relationship between an individual and the pace and frequency that is potentially most beneficial for them,” she says.If you’re more anxious person, maybe for you the best schedule for gratitude journaling is twice a day for two weeks. For some people who lean toward a more open-minded and flexible emotional demeanor, she says journaling once every other day for four weeks may be the most impactful.Some research suggests the ideal frequency to write in a gratitude journal seems to be around one to three entries per week for at least two weeks, according to the GGSC. Experts say this is likely because it can become easier to become numb to sources of goodness around us if we track it every day.How much should you write in a gratitude journal?According to the experts, any amount of expression or embracing of gratitude, including writing it down in a journal, can be beneficial. But most also agree that the more specific and in-depth an entry is, the more impact it tends to have.Dr. Simon-Thomas says some people find it helpful to go into a lot of detail as to why they are grateful for something or how it made them feel. Some experts also advocate for the benefit of making extended entries that can be shared with others.“The most impactful gratitude practice is writing a gratitude letter to someone , around 300 to 500 words, and then reading it aloud to that person,” Dr. Wilson says.While it’s still unclear precisely how many entries someone should make when writing in a gratitude journal for maximum benefit, Dr. Simon-Thomas says there’s a kind of common suggestion of jotting down three good things as a starting point because some of the early research framed it that way.But she says that recent, unpublished research has found that listing eight things you are grateful for may be the most effective number of entries for gratitude journaling.When should you write in a gratitude journal?Experts say there is no specific time of day when someone should enter a gratitude journal. Dr. Wilson says to determine when to make a gratitude entry, consider the best time of day that works for you.Dr. Simon-Thomas says anecdotally, she would make an argument for either first thing in the morning or as you are falling asleep.She says listing things for which you’re grateful right when you wake up is a way to kind of orient and prime yourself to have that outlook during the day. She says doing this practice as you’re closing your eyes on the verge of falling asleep is a way to just relax and create that frame of mind that is most conducive to falling asleep in a peaceful way.Overall, experts say there is no wrong time of day to make an entry in a gratitude journal or list what you are grateful for.natalie_board/Getty ImagesHow long do you need to keep a gratitude journal to reap the benefits?The jury is still out on exactly how long you need to keep a gratitude journal to reap the benefits.“There’s evidence, for example, that simply scribbling down a few things that you’re grateful for every day can significantly improve your well-being in as little as two weeks,” Dr. Santos says.According to some experts, about 15 days is the period at which people start experiencing long-term benefits from gratitude journaling. But Dr. Simon-Thomas says there are a lot of different statements out there about the relative period of time required. She says there’s nothing wrong with the 15-day argument, but she doesn’t think it’s definitive or generalizable.“So it may be on average, if you invited a group of people to all start keeping a gratitude journal and measured their emotional well-being in a repeated fashion over the course of time, maybe you would find that on average, 15 days or two weeks is about what it takes to really start to shift somebody’s habit of thinking,” she says.She adds, however, that some studies suggest just experiencing 30 to 60 seconds of gratitude, writing or reflection, can change how someone acts in the next moment, and in the next couple hours.Is there a wrong way to do it, or are there common mistakes people make?There aren’t many mistakes you can make when trying to keep a gratitude journal, experts say, unless you’re jotting down negative or hateful emotions or thoughts. According to the experts, entries that make you feel shame, or lead you to shame or judge others, are also not helpful when keeping a gratitude journal.Is there any benefit to physically writing down gratitude journal entries with paper and pencil?Putting thoughts down on paper or saying them out loud is more beneficial than simply thinking about them because it makes us more aware of our thoughts, which can make them more impactful. The GGSC also says writing helps one organize thoughts, and can help us accept those thoughts, feelings, or experiences and put them in context.“There’s definitely evidence that writing any kind of writing is of benefit to your mental health; in fact there’s a vast literature on the benefits,” Dr. Simon-Thomas says.“The act of writing something down, the motor effort that you put in having to move your hands to make words that reflect the ideas and the feelings that you’re having is more effortful, and the more effort that you’re putting in, the more that activity becomes something practiced, and something that is skill building, as opposed to just a reactive or, or momentary experience,” she explains.What is gratitude fatigue?In general, experts say expressing and embracing gratitude, and keeping a gratitude journal, are good for the well-being of most people. But like most things, some people can experience gratitude fatigue, which may cause them to feel worse about their situation or life.“Some people experience gratitude fatigue if they find themselves writing down the same thing each time they open their journal,” Dr. Wilson says. “To remedy this, look for new [or] surprising things you’re grateful for. Or … take a break from writing things down and resume the practice after a break.”Writing prompts for gratitude journal entriesThe experts say some people have no issue coming up with things they are grateful for, but this isn’t always an easy process for everyone. For some people, even trying to think of things they are grateful for, or not being able to come up with any, can be overwhelming and make you feel hopeless.If you’re having trouble thinking of entries to make in a gratitude journal, experts advise using basic prompts that help you get started in the process. A prompt is typically a short sentence or thought that is designed to help stimulate your mind to think of things you are grateful for.Experts say there is no perfect prompt for everyone or every situation. Some prompts may seem well-suited for a certain person or situation, but others may make someone feel worse. For example, prompts that discuss being grateful for family love and support may not be helpful for people who are not in contact with their family or don’t have family support. And not everyone has access to the same level of natural and human resources.Examples of good prompts for gratitude journal entries include:I am grateful for a natural resource (water, food, clean air, sunlight).I am grateful for a component of the natural world (wildlife, mountains, bodies of water).I am grateful for modern comforts (running water, toilets, indoor heat, electricity, cars, airplanes, trains, grocery stores).I am grateful for institutions or services (hospitals and health care, education centers and education, emergency services like firefighters and natural disaster response services).I am grateful for a leisure activity (writing, reading, watching TV or movies).I am grateful my body is capable of … (walking, exercising, maintaining balance and posture, recovering from illness).I am grateful my brain is capable of … (thinking, being intelligent, being curious, having an imagination, learning new things, talking, coordinating body movement, remembering things and feelings).I am grateful for a stress-reducing activity (meditation, yoga, mindfulness, talking with friends and family).I am grateful I am alive now because … (modern amenities and comforts, scientific breakthroughs or advancements, ability to travel around the world, ability to connect with others easier).I am grateful for basic rights such as … (freedom, civil liberties, the right to receive education, expression of thought, the right to vote).I am grateful for something that someone did to help me or make me feel more secure.I am grateful for components of my work (respect of co-workers or bosses, benefits, positive impact of work on others or the environment, feelings of fulfillment or engagement).I am grateful to have certain people in my life.I am grateful for my pet because …I am grateful for a certain experience.I am grateful that something happened to me today.Other tips for keeping a gratitude journalOther tips for keeping a gratitude journal include:Go for depth of entries versus quantity. It’s generally better to go into as much detail as possible about why you are grateful for something than generating a long, less detailed list.Try to not simply go through the motions. Keeping a gratitude journal is more effective if you first commit, and stay committed to, being more grateful, happy, or optimistic. A gratitude journal entry should not be viewed as a to-do list or something you have to do against your will.Don’t try to make any entry if you really aren’t ready or in a good space. Pushing yourself to simply make entries can actually make you feel worse or overwhelmed and may lead to entries that are negative or shaming.Don’t overdo it. Many people think you have to write in a gratitude journal every day to see positive effects. But writing once or twice per week long-term may be more beneficial than daily journaling.Think about subtractions, not only additions. One way to stimulate feelings of gratitude is to think about how your life would be affected without certain things, such as modern comforts, friends and family, meaningful work, etc. This approach can be especially effective if someone is having a hard time coming up with something they’re grateful for.Savor surprises. Events that are surprising or unexpected often stimulate stronger feelings of gratitude.Get personal with your entries. Recording or thinking about people you are grateful for often is more impactful than thinking about things you’re grateful for.Think of things you’re grateful for as gifts. Thinking of things we are grateful for as gifts helps prevent many people from overlooking them or taking them for granted.Next, check out these gratitude quotes. […]

Therapists share their tips to help you get what you need to have a happier, healthier, and less stressful holiday season.Holiday helpers wantedThe holidays are the happiest time of the year—until they’re not. Christmas carols are not reality, and while this is a season of joy and togetherness, it is also a uniquely stressful time for many people.There are gifts to buy, social events to attend, charities to support, family and friends to visit, trips to plan or take, more money to spend, and, of course, the pandemic on top of it all. It’s a recipe for burnout.It’s even worse if you’re already dealing with grief, trauma, or mental illness. There’s a reason why rates of mental illness increase during the holidays, with 64 percent of people saying this time of year makes their mental conditions worse, according to a survey by the National Alliance on Mental Illness.So what is one of the best things you can do when you’re feeling stressed? Ask for help! After all, you need help, and your loved ones want to help you.Even if you know you should reach out when you’re overwhelmed, many people refuse to ask for help, especially during the holidays. Why is this? Experts explain, and share how to ask for help during the holiday season—or any time of year.Drazen Zigic/Getty ImagesThere’s a reason asking for help feels so hard“We’re trained in our culture, from a very young age, to not to ask for help and to not be a burden on others,” says Laurie J. Ferguson, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, certified life coach, and ordained minister. “It can be really hard to overcome that cultural conditioning.”Add that to the high-pressure atmosphere of the holidays, and it’s no wonder so many people hold it all in.This pressure can show up in different ways, and you may recognize some of the more common ways people express their feelings about it, says psychologist Jeff Gardere, PhD, an associate professor and course director of behavioral medicine at Touro College in New York City. Any of these sound familiar?not wanting to burden loved ones when they may be feeling extra stressfear of admitting weakness or troublesdesire to maintain the appearance of “perfect” holiday cheerdenial that you really need helpfeeling so overwhelmed you don’t know what you need or how to ask for itguilt over needing helpworry that things aren’t “bad enough” yet or they might get worseasking for help can feel like one more stressful thingSigns it’s time to ask for helpOne of the trickiest parts of asking for help is figuring out when you really need it, Dr. Ferguson says. Ask too soon, and you might risk not having help later when you need it even more. If you wait until you’ve reached a crisis point, on the other hand, you risk a mental or physical breakdown.Thankfully, there are some telltale signs that you should reach out to friends and loved ones during the holidays, she adds:You feel physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually overwhelmed.You don’t have the necessary skills or resources to do what needs to be done.You don’t feel joy or happiness in holiday celebrations.You lose interest in traditions you used to love.You lose your appetite, or you overeat comfort foods.You isolate yourself from others.You have insomnia or feel exhausted all the time.Essentially, you turn into the Grinch. (Maybe he just needed to ask for help instead of robbing Whoville?) The bottom line is that if you feel like you need help, you probably do, and it’s OK to ask for it.“Many people are afraid of coming off as a burden, or even causing some sort of imposition on others. But your loved ones would much rather you ask ‘too early’ than suffer in silence,” Dr. Gardere says.Note: If you have thoughts of self-harming or suicide and/or uncontrollable physical or emotional pain, you need to call a health professional immediately. You can reach the National Suicide Prevention hotline by calling 800-273-8255 or visiting their site. Rates of suicidal acts and completion spike during the holidays, and it’s important to take this very seriously in yourself or in loved ones. How to ask for help during the holidays (or any time of year)We asked our experts to share their best tips for seeking help from friends and loved ones without feeling like a burden.(Here’s how to build trust in your relationships.)Decide what you needevrim ertik/Getty ImagesBefore you ask for help, make a list of what you need help with and decide which things will make the biggest difference to you. The more detailed you can get, the more confident you’ll feel when you talk to your loved ones, and the better they will be able to help you.Make specific, targeted requestsPeople will be less likely to feel burdened by your request if you are very clear about what exactly you’re asking for.There is a beginning, end, and time limit to a good request. Instead of melting down over decorations, say something like, “I’d love help hanging lights on the house from 2 to 4 p.m. on Saturday. If you have a ladder you could bring that would be great.”Be directMake a list of people who might be able to help. Don’t hint about needing help and then expect others to pick up on it. Simply be direct and tell them you need some help.Give them an outTry not to put people on the spot with requests. Give them some time to think before answering. Text or email instead of calling. If you do ask someone in person, offer them an out.For instance: “I was wondering if you could watch my kids Friday for a couple of hours while I go Christmas shopping? Feel free to check your calendar and get back to me later!”Be really honestYour loved ones want to help because they love you. Asking for help requires being vulnerable and opening up in ways that might feel uncomfortable at first. But the more honest you can be, the better they’ll be able to help you. (And the more you can feel their love!)Provide the toolsHave everything the person will need to help you at the ready. For instance, if you need help shoveling and de-icing, have shovels and salt already out.Make it funDo what you can to make it fun. Even if they’re doing something very un-fun—like cleaning out your oven after a cookie disaster—you can do things to make it better. You can offer to provide snacks, drinks, and a fun playlist, for example, or perhaps offer a sympathetic listening ear.Widen your circleIt can be tempting to only reach out to your closest go-to people, but they can burn out from helping. Think about who could help you with what you need, and then look for a variety of people with different skills or availability.Learn to say ‘yes’Don’t let your pride or fear get in the way of accepting offers of help from trusted people who volunteer it. For instance, consider saying yes if your neighbor offers to pick up your kid from the holiday party, or if your grandma offers to spot you some money for gifts. Believe your loved ones when they say they want to help you.Accept a ‘no’ graciouslySometimes people won’t be able to help, and you may feel embarrassed or guilty for having asked. Let the negative feelings go and be grateful they were honest with you. Healthy communication is vital for loving relationships. Resist the temptation to argue with someone when they say no.Remember the upsidesThis is the season of giving! There are a lot of positive things that happen to both the giver and receiver during a charitable act. Think of it as bonding time or a way to learn something new. Be sure to tell them how much you’re enjoying being with them.Tell them ‘thank you’Everyone appreciates thanks for their efforts, so find a way to show your gratitude. It could be a handwritten card, a bottle of wine, a gift card, a dinner, or whatever small thing would make them feel special.Return the favorGiving to others can be incredibly rejuvenating, even when you’re feeling overwhelmed yourself. Don’t feel like you have to return the favor immediately. Consider a helpful swap (“first we set up your lights, then we’ll do my house”) or something in the future (“I’ll watch your kids on New Year’s Day if you can watch mine this weekend”). If they don’t need anything in return, pay it forward by helping someone else in the future. […]